I was introduced to pornography when I was five years old in my neighbor’s home where they frequently watched blue films. It didn’t mean much to me then but it was like a seed being sown, and this seed began to grow when I was offered a copy of Playboy magazine in the 7th grade.
Controlled my entire life
It was no turning back from there, my grades went down drastically in school, late nights became a habit, bunking school just to be alone at home to watch blue films and masturbate became a habit. Finally I failed my 7th grade. I then got into a relationship with a young girl and we began to get physical, however for some reason I could never go the whole way i.e. intercourse. By this time pornography took a back seat because now I had the real thing with a girl. Our relationship lasted for a whole six years until she moved away to another country.
I was alone after my girlfriend left; my evenings which I used to spend with my girlfriend were now lonely. I still remember it was a romantic but sexually oriented song in a Tamil movie that made me go back to masturbation and once again back to pornography. Access to pornography was easy even back then; all I needed to do was go to an internet café where I could watch loads of porn movies. I wasted a lot of money, money which I never really had. Money that was meant for my school and tuition fees was used to satisfy my sexual cravings.
I completed high school and was ready to move to college, but since my parents couldn’t afford it I decided to do it through distance education. This once again gave me a lot more time to hang out with my friends, watch TV, stay up late and watch blue films which were aired by the local cable TV operators.
Fighting a Losing Battle
I finished college and was on my way out of the country, I landed in a foreign land and to my surprise pornography was rampant and available as a regular TV channel. I did my best to fight this addiction but every step I took was a failure and resulted in me moving deeper and deeper into it, the media did not help me in any way nor did my circle of friends. I did not drink, nor did I smoke, my addiction was pornography. It was staring me in the face, as much as I hated it, I wanted it. There were times when I would just sit for hours and hours before the TV trying to watch a particular sexual scene that would arouse me sufficiently to masturbate. By this time I had enough of it but not enough. I was sick of it but continually found myself wanting it more and more. Sometimes it would take me almost the entire night and I would end up sleeping all through the day, I would miss work and get into arguments with my parents and colleagues. It drained the life out of me literally.
I tried every possible way to get out of this mess but failed miserably every single time. After a couple of years I got married and started a family, once again pornography took a back seat for a while, but later on when my wife got pregnant I once again turned to pornography to ease myself, this carried on for a while until I had enough of it, after almost 20 long years of battling this sickness I decided that the only way for me to get out of this mess was to share it with someone who would understand and walk with me through this whole thing. By this time I was a father and had to make a responsible decision.
Breaking the stronghold of addiction with transparency and accountability, I decided to share what I was going through with my wife and ask her to walk with me through it, she loved me more and began to walk with me and keep me in check everytime she thought I was slipping. There have been times I’ve slipped but by constantly talking about my weakness to my wife, it has helped me get out of this addiction slowly but completely.
Pornography changed the way I thought, felt, acted and spoke. It made me a different and unpleasant person. I’ve lost friends, family and hours, days, months and years of my life just being addicted to pornography. IT IS A SERIOUS SICKNESS that needs to be addressed before it becomes too late. Like with any addiction there are withdrawal symptoms like bouts of anger, headaches, depression and a craving to be alone.
But pornography does not have to remain an undefeated enemy ruling over your life, enslaving you. With willingness to be accountable and transparent with significant others and professional as well as spiritual help, this dragon can be slain and your life redeemed. Do not lose hope but seek help and be delivered from this addiction. It is possible!
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